a diagnosis and conception story

Our Sweet baby is still waiting for his first gulp of air, but we can already see the story of his conception and birth being in God’s timing.

Around the spring of my 30th birthday we started trying to get pregnant. This would be our third baby. We had learned in between baby number 1 and baby number 2 that it would take time. With no periods (true- I just don’t get them again for a year or more after having babies) we went through lots of pregnancy tests. My birthday came and went, the summer happened, the weather turned cold, Christmas came and still no pregnancy.

As I waited and watched other pregnancies, some wanted some unwanted, I tried to sit with all my feelings and not rush through them or push them aside. To hold onto contentment and desire at the same time. To both pray for a baby and thank God for the family he had already given me.

After Christmas came ear infection season. The boys had colds and ear infections back to back to back. Jesse (our eldest) was always sicker longer. A sneeze would turn into a fever within a day. At night he started having nightmares that caused him to yell and sleep walk.  

In the spring, after many tears and disappointing pregnancy tests, we decided to see an OBGYN then use a fertility tracker (I’m sure by now some of you are yelling advice at me, just know it hadn’t been this much of a wait with the other two). 

At last the morning of my OBGYN appointment came. For some reason I was nervous, and decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  And it was positive. I gleefully called and canceled my appointment and rescheduled it for an eight week OB check up. 

A few more weeks and we went in to see the first signs of the baby, that it was strong, that it was growing. The four of us, a midwife and a student all crammed into the room and they looked for the baby. But they couldn’t find the baby. They could see the home my body had made for the baby, but no baby. They said maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought I was. Which couldn’t have been, so we left the office shaken, and wondering what was really going on.  

I kept praying that the baby would be healthy. That's all we wanted, a healthy baby.

A week later, the day before my 31 st birthday, a sweet friend went with me to an in depth ultrasound the midwife had requested. I was worried that I would learn that my body had lied to me that there had never been a baby or worse by far, that the baby had died. 

In moments they found a healthy baby with a healthy heart. What more could someone ask for. 

They teased that the baby must have been hiding because he was a full eight weeks along. Our due date was set to New Year’s Eve. 

For the next week our family was full and healthy and we thought all worries were gone. We went camping on the coast, had great family time. Jesse seemed to have left colds and fevers behind him and ran and played like he hadn’t for months. 

Then Everett (our middle child) coughed, two days later (a Wednesday) Jesse coughed. By the weekend it had turned into a fever and wheezing, unable to talk above a whisper. On Friday our doctor told us that Jesse had full blown Influenza. 

My birthday. One of the few days this year that I thought everyone was ok. 

By Sunday when he cried he couldn’t gasp enough air to breath. We knew we could either stay up with him all night and take him to our family doctor Monday morning, or take him to the Urgent Care. So Dan drove Jesse to Urgent Care. On their way there I called Dan and encouraged him to drive on to the Emergency Room. I felt like I needed to be with them so my mom watched Everett and my dad drove me to the ER. 

Once there the doctor started asking us about family history, our eating habits, where we buy our milk, and if we’ve been with anyone who’d just got off an airplane. 

They sent Jesse’s blood work back twice. Then had us sign a form saying we would drive him directly to the Children’s Hospital. Instead of saying “Don’t google blood diseases.”  they said “When we see this in children we think Leukemia.” 

We drove to the children’s hospital. Saw another doctor who reordered more blood work and told us, “Your son is with you now, be with him now”.  

Over that next week we had more tests and more conversations. Leukemia was going to be a new part of our lives. A new chapter to our story. In the midst of the overwhelm I could see God’s timing in the conception of our baby. If I had gotten pregnant when I wanted to we’d have a tiny baby in arms as we were at the hospital so many days and nights in the following weeks and months. If we hadn’t gotten pregnant yet the stress would have made getting pregnant about 100% harder.

They mapped out the next nine months and circled December and January and said short of a miracle, they would be the most trying months, when treatment would be the most intense. All I could think was: but we are having a baby.  How can I be at full term and carry a four-year-old to the bathroom to throw up? How can I give birth in one wing of the hospital and be in a different wing of the hospital holding my 4-year-old's hand and he’s hooked up to IV’s doing chemo?

When we were discharged after diagnoses 

30 days latter when the beast of steroids was completed 

It all seemed so wrong. How could something I prayed for come in the middle of such heartache? How could I have missed the slow death of one son while praying for the birth of another? But that's not fair. Dan and I had seen Jesse was sick, and had faithfully taken him to the doctor to be treated. But no one knew what was going on inside his bone marrow. When kids show up with ear infections who would guess it’s because they have cancer?

Jesse loves having his cousins over to "his hospital" to play. 

One day a friend spoke a few gentle words to me. She reminded me that as I had needed to trust God with the timing of the conception of the baby I needed to now trust God with the timing of its birth. 

Well then a miracle happened. Turns out Jesse’s body was made to fight Leukemia. His Leukemia is among the simpler to reverse and it reproduces so slowly that the doctors are able to treat it completely differently. By the end of November to early December our hospital stays will be over. Though treatments and doctor visits will last for years we are glad the intense part is almost complete (months before anyone thought it would be). Jesse has had minimal side effects to his treatment, and because of being able to treat it differently he will have zero life long side affects.

As I write this he is sitting next to me counting his trick or treat bounty just like any other kid. The baby boy (yes a boy) in my womb is rumbling ready to get out and play.

Everett's 2nd birthday :)

August 5th 2017

It was the hottest part of an already hot summer. At night the moon pulled and I impatiently waited  to meet my baby. After 3 nights of faults starts he was finally ready to come. Due to my water breaking and having strep B, we waited at the hospital for him to arrive.  I bounced on a ball, waited in a tub, rocked the rock out of a rocking chair, and held on fast to the back of the bed. While breathing and groaning , I listened to Dan saying my name. I listened to my nurses's gentle touch and I listened to Pride and Prejudice on audio (not kidding).

Finally as the last brilliant golden rays of the day filled the room the pushing started. With each push I could feel more of his head with my hand. Each contractions feeling like more than I could bear. Then Everett made his way out into the world, was placed in my arms and was healthy. You may remember with our older son's birth I lost more than my fair share of blood afterwards. Again the blood refused to stop but this time the midwife knew it would happen. In just a few moments the bleeding was stopped and I was on my way to recovery.

The memories of the next few days are of our delight, wonder and peace. Soaking up our little baby, basking in the sunlight pouring through our room with  "All Sons and Daughters" playing in the background. Jesse came to visit and gave kisses. And soon our little family was all home together again.

Giving birth was still hard and I in no way claim to have a "skill" in it, but It was so nice that there was such a better healing process than the time before. I receive it as a gift.



Everett is now 18 month-old!!! He has been walking Since his 1st birthday in August and this week started running!!!! He is sweet, funny and loves to knock you over. He wants to be with you 100% No halfway in his world.  He seems shy in groups, takes time to warm up, but is loyal once won over. He is the only baby I've ever seen invent funny things, as apposed to laughing and repeating something funny that happened.  He has a handful of words like "moore " (more) "wader" (water) "Bopsy"(Mopsy) (the dog) "Hesse"(Jesse) "boooo" (book) and "dahd funny" (that's funny) followed with a grin.

Everett Zachariah Thomas Abbott

Everett Zachariah Thomas Abbott

Four names for one baby.
Everett, Everett comes from your father. It means brave and wild and strong. It was also your great grandfather’s name. The only one who left before you came.

Zachariah, because in my dark days God taught me his mercy and salvation is tender. When Zachariah’s speech was restored he choose to praise God, and I too choose to praise him.

Thomas, Thomas because he loved dearly, when he saw the risen Christ he didn’t just admit he was alive like the others had, he declared him to be God. Then went to the edge of the world declaring God’s tender mercy.

Abbott, because you belong to us and we to you. You were given to us to love and care for and every day we thank God for you.

a summer evening

Currently I'm in bed typing waiting for the laundry's final spin. Also in bed is Dan (with his head buried under a pillow)  a snoring dog (who will get kicked off shortly) and a baby sleeping in my womb (but still taking up his fare share).

It feels like I only share when life is crazy and changing and unknown. I wanted to share something now, in the quite, in the peaceful, in the still.... yes a baby is on his way and that is full of change and unknown, but this moment is a moment of peace and resting. Every day Jesse wakes up and rides his bike, plays with friends and tries to tackle, then kiss his puppy.  Dan works hard around the property and also sharing the dream of Sanctuary Inn (click it ;).  I... I am busy growing a baby :) (32 days until the due date) and enjoying watching my guys enjoy their day.  I am writing more (though with the sunshine there has been a loll) and excited at the idea of these stories coming to light.  One of Jesse's current stalling techniques at bedtime is to ask for me to tell him a story. It works every time.

We still don't have a perfect "life plan" but we have today, and each other and we each are enjoying the gift today is and are hoping for many more gifts of the same kind.

With that the laundry is finished.
peace and joy,
Anna

Sleep, babies and beds

Wrote this over a year ago and thought  I'd let it see the sunshine or your computer screen :) 

Let's talk about sleeping and babies. 

Whether or not your baby sleeps at night or cues all night long like ours is (I hope it's a phase) at some point during a 24 hour day they sleep, and where and on what they sleep is our topic. 

My dream bed for our baby was a suspended bed  (think basket ish) that sways gently when the baby stirs, and in so doing rocks the baby back to sleep. Given our sketchy ceiling situation and budget the swaying bed was not an option. 

First couple of nights at home Jesse slept in a beautiful wood cradle next to our bed (it was borrowed from a friend... check out her awesome blog). Side note my husband and I are both so territorial that sharing the bed with another (even someone as small as a baby) wasn't an option. Jesse hated how much space was in the cradle, after being tucked in the womb. 

So we went with option #3 a monkey. A rocking, collapsible, basinet with a monkey design on it. Jesse loved his monkey. It held him snug so he didn't startle awake during the night.   

Isn't he cute!!

We had a two room apartment in those first few months. If we were using the main room Jesse would fall asleep in our bedroom, and we would move Jesse to the main room when we got sleepy. When we were packing up our apartment and having to use both rooms Jesse slept in the bathroom. Apartment dwelling can be a squeeze but with some creativity and rethinking the norm it is very doable.

(note: my friend was discouraged by her midwife from using a monkey. The midwife said babies tend to "over sleep" and miss feedings. Jesse ate a lot when he nursed so we weren't worried... but now you know what I know) 

Next the stroller. We showed up in Israel, we left Jesse's out grown monkey in the States and decided to tackle jet leg and a new bed at the same time. Jet leg ended up being such a nightmare (I mean nightmare) that we caved on teaching Jesse to sleep in the pack 'n' play. Instead we discovered he could sleep in his jogging stroller. It reclined back, it rolls (similar to a rocking monkey), we could buckle him in, and best of all he slept in it. (craziest idea we ever had)

Now he has out grown sleeping in the jogging stroller (he moves to much for something with only three sides), so with baited breath we reintroduced the pack 'n' play.  This is night 4 and so far it's been okay. Sometimes when we check on him we realize he's practicing crawling or what seems to be him inspecting the walls of his pack. 

With all this change a couple things have stayed the same. We have used the same noise machine since the beginning. Also he has had the same fuzzy head mat since the monkey (it use to be the monkey's face). The fuzz has traveled with us to each "bed".  This way when he lays his weary head down each night it's on the same fuzzy feel, no matter where he himself may be. 

Moral of the story, find what works for you and your baby. Don't be afraid to think outside the box (or crib ;)

Ooh boy :) Since writing this we have tried to get him to sleep on many airplane flights and have transitioned from a pack 'n' play to a big boy bed. Which has it's own set of challenges. Hope you hear my heart that things don't need to look perfect. Your baby needs to be safe and fall asleep, everything else is extra. 

Thank the Lord for the flight attendant who had also taken baby massage classes. 

Family Holiday

Dog Mountain

Let's talk about "Family Holidays", not Christmas or Memorial Day,  or two weeks in Hawaii (though that sounds dreamy), but rather a day your family is simply "on Holiday". 

A story I'm currently working on has a family who decides to have "a holiday".  A day they don''t go into the office, instead they pack a treat and head outside to soak up the day.

no smiles like sunshine smiles 

Recently was a mid week weakened (which are more normal for us) and we made a holiday or it, Jesse and I made sweet rolls, then while the dough was rising we went outside.  Outside we were meet with sunshine after months of rain, so we tromped through our woods, finished the rolls, threw them in the oven, and went back outside. Dan finished his work, joined us, and we consumed a supernatural amount of sweet rolls and orange juice, while basking in the sun. Dan and I talked and day dreamt while Jesse drove his toy truck through every puddle he could find. Eventually Jesse's nap time, and some errands had to happen but that feeling of                                                          holiday lingered. 

I love the idea of Family Holiday,  oftentimes when either Dan or I am away it turns into a holiday. A way we can stop and enjoy our kiddo instead of stressing about flying solo in parent world.  Then there are times family holidays just happen and everyone joins in the easy going adventure at hand. 

Our first ever was the day I was in labor with Jesse (read full story here) to this day I swear that's why I had enough patience to let Jesse come at his own time. 

From time to time Dan will hike up a mountain for a few days at a time (think snow/ ice ax/ ropes), and when he does I get a prewritten text from his team's GPS every morning saying if they are safe. Over the next 24 hours Jesse and I do a lot of fun things to help keep my mind from being distracted waiting for the next text to arrive. 

It is a MILLION times better enjoying those around you then worrying about the one who isn't around. 

--- Fun fact: Jesse was three-weeks (yes weeks) old the first time Dan spent multiple nights climbing a mountain. (Don't feel bad for me, a best friend stayed with me and I ate cookies

Dan and Jesse the night before the climb

the whole time:) --- 

Sometimes a family holiday means we all pile into the car and head to the beach for the day. Or go apple picking, then bake a pie. Or like the day we took Jesse to his first movie.

Doing something out of your norm and enjoying each other. 

Sure, it could be different when Jesse is twelve and saying the whole time he'd rather be doing something else. But part of me thinks he'll still like them even then. That enjoying each other, and adventure are not going to go out of style. 

doughnuts and chai are always a winner

"Abbott Holiday" with some friends in Israel

Is there a better place to eat watermelon? 

Jesse at the beach in awe of the ocean

Being in the PNW has it's advantages, like waterfalls everywhere

Found this park near our old home,  quiet and perfect for picnics (Dan is making a sun s'more;) 

Another airplane flight, another adventure, another blog post.

Sitting down to write as yet again suitcases are waiting to be dealt with, this time packed. We have been in Texas through the Autumn and the Holidays, for a mixture of reasons. Needing a place to crash, needing space to think, needing to be around family, needing a job, and sunshine.

Dan's parents have been sharing their home with us. Jesse has loved spending everyday with Gramy and Pops and rushes to to the door when he hears Pops' truck backing up into the driveway.   They play the piano together, go on long walks, look at pictures, play with toys and thoroughly enjoy each other.

Meanwhile Dan has been working his bread and butter job, serving. He's good at it and it allows for Family Time every morning. I write, play with Jesse, and take care of the little needs that are left after Gramy spoils us all :)  We do these things while sorting out disappointments and dreams.  I can say laughter is back and dreams are growing. I can say lessons have been leaned and love is stronger. Faith is here but looks different then it use to, there is less fluff and more real stuff if you understand my drift.

Have you ever gotten  a Christmas tree at a farm? At our favorite place to go, before they (yes they) tie our fresh tree to our car, they put it in a shaker. The tree shakes about like crazy for a minute, at the end all the little leaves, twigs and dried needles you hadn't even noticed have been shaken off and you are left with your beautiful tree and nothing more.  I feel like my faith, my self and our life has been in a tree shaker. We have shed all those twigs we didn't know we were holding (and that we didn't need) and now it's just us standing here.

When Dan and I started this blog it was to encourage people that they didn't need to fit into a 5 year plan for life. That family time can mean early mornings and breakfast instead of dinner and evenings. That bringing your bouncing baby of 6 month to an unfamiliar country is the best way to show your new friends you care about them and trust them.  That in short there are not wrong and right ways to live your life, but instead be a person of character who is completely in, no matter where you are.

When we decided to come to Texas we did so with the understanding it was a "8 week plan".
My cousin shared with me that when her and her husband are transitioning in life they make a "8 week plan",  at the end of 8 weeks they talk about what needs to change and what has been good.

8 weeks took us to the week after Thanksgiving. We planned to be "all in" in Texas, in counseling and in work  for 8 weeks then talk about what needed to change and what had been good.

At the end of the 8 weeks our counselor spoke words of life to us, my parents bought property to start their new ministry (a home for people in ministry who need to pause and rest... like our time in Texas) and offered us a job.  We said yes to a year.  Our 8 week plan feed into a 1 year plan.  A year is perfect for us.

January 5th we get to join a group of people who have been longing and dreaming and already however they can,  encouraging those who are at the ends of the earth telling people Jesus loves them. Often while sharing this love of Jesus  exhaustion,  tragedy, heartbreak and disappointment happens and there is no time or space to pause, process and keep breathing.  Many people don't have a Texas they can go to rest and untangle.

Sanctuary Inn is going to be just that. A place of peace, of rest, while your heart has time and space for mending. We are honored to join and give back to others some some of the peace given to us.

Our family will still be us. Dan will work, Jesse will throw rocks and I will write, cuddle my loves, and listen to others' stories. But we will do it here, be "all in" at this house of peace, at Sanctuary Inn